I read an article this morning on Psychology Today called
"How Your Greatest Insecurities Reveal Your Deepest Gifts"
which is basically saying, whatever you feel the most wounded and protective and insecure about, is your hidden gift/power/strength.
Also, this."Our deepest wounds surround our greatest gifts."
So for the past couple hours I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how my fears of rejection, abandonment and dying friendless surrounded by 50 cats in the cottage where I will have run away to is hiding my greatest gift.
It stands to reason that I have been keeping myself apart from others and not developing stronger connections to people because I'm scared of being hurt, rejected, abandoned, etc. But what does this say about my gift? That I'm an amazing Superfriend just waiting to be unleashed into BFF land? I don't know.
Historically, I'm not a great friend. I'm a good wife I think...but as a friend, not so much. I never consider myself important to anyone else outside of my immediate family, so I tend to hold back and not impose myself. I hate conflict and dealing with other people's emotional stuff when I'm involved, too. And it's really hard for me to be authentic with people. I'm working on that.
This all feeds into my feeling of disconnection and isolation from who I am. I spend so much of my life wishing I was someone else (more confident, organized, funnier, professional, outgoing) that I feel totally out of touch with who i am as a person. I am lost as to how to find her, too.
So I will just keep being Nicki Minaj.