Thursday, December 1, 2011

plunging below

Blogging every day is hard.  It's not that I don't have anything to say, because trust you-me, there's plenty of material to draw upon, it's just sometimes I don't have the brain power to mash it all together so it makes sense, or I'm physically unable to take the time I need to sit and write something out.  In any case, nablopomo was a bust.  Actually I don't think I've ever followed through with any long term projects.  YES A MONTH IS LONG TERM IN MY WORLD.  WUT?

ANYWAY!!!

Yesterday was a sort of powerful day for me. 

Nothing dramatic happened other than I had some realizations and got a glimpse below the surface of of the deep end of the pool.

Through a convoluted series of events set in motion by nothing other than fate herself, I have become friends, close friends, with someone recently.  This woman is 32.  At 32 she's lived enough life to have known pretty much every kind of heartache a woman can have.  Yet she continually puts herself in places to act as a beacon of hope, a lighthouse to others as they face their darkest hours adrift at sea.  Somehow she continues to have hope, and somehow she has the energy and abundance of love and empathy to help others heal.  She can reach into your soul and pull this amazing light out of nowhere.  She is a healer by nature. As we sat last night in her dark dining room with nothing but the candlelight shining on her face and she spoke about such things that a mother should never have to speak, an incredible wave of gratitude and humility came over me.  Just as she says things like "What are MY problems?  There are starving children in the world!", I humbly check my puny problems at the door.  What are my problems?  I don't have problems.  I have inconveniences.  I have obstacles.  I have a pretty fucking easy life.  And yet so often I feel so overwhelmed and challenged by just being alive.  Not to minimize what I'm experiencing in my life, but really when you have perspective about it, you realize you are just being a whiny fucking spoiled silly little bitch.   My life is a constant situation comedy.  Not much tragedy or drama.  Nothing to cry about, and a ton to laugh at.  Last night I realized that all I need to is to try to remember this perspective and love my life with more honest gratitude.

I also had an awesome Self Nurture Class last night with Savannah of Nurture Life Coaching.  I'm on week 5 now, we're halfway through.  Last night brought up a lot of self limiting beliefs that I have burned into my brain.  It's empowering and depressing to have the awareness of everything you're dealing with.  The trances you travel through life in, not letting your wise or true self see the light of day, moving from moment to moment under the spell of insecurity, shame, jealousy, fear, anxiety, and hopelessness.  The most powerful message to me last night was this:  If you feel your world, your state of being or your heart contracting, this is a sign of being caught in a trance (self limiting belief that is hard wired into the brain, basically).  If you feel an expansion, where the world is full of potential and everything is possible, that is when your wise self is in control.  That's where love and joy is.  That's where confidence, trust, compassion, and empathy are.  I don't know if this makes sense right now, I'm regurgitating the message, probably not very eloquently.  But it's in my soul right now, stirring and settling in.

Lots to let settle into today.