Friday, January 20, 2012

In my house

In my house, I will raise my children not to be afraid to be who they are.

My son is bisexual.

And proudly, he is not ashamed of this.

My other children are not ashamed of his bisexuality.  In fact, they are proud of him and who he is not afraid to be.  They met his ex boyfriend, and spent time learning about this awesome, wonderful human being, whom is also not afraid to be who he is.

They are tolerant and accepting.  They understand relationships can come looking differently than their parents relationships.  They are learning that "gay" isn't a slang word to use derogatorily. 

They know that love is accepting, love is broad, and love is wonderful.  They understand that judging people based on their sexual orientation is wrong. 

My son has learned to not judge people at face value.  He has learned that there are injustices in the world, and that there are people who think he should be ashamed of his sexuality.  He has learned that there are people who thinks he shouldn't talk to his siblings about part (only a small part) of who he is.  That it should be hidden away like a dark bad secret.  He has learned that there are people who are close to him who become enraged when his siblings are exposed to the mere discussions of his preferences or current relationships, as if by doing so, he is influencing them to become perverted, depraved and immoral. 

He doesn't understand this, because in his mind, he is influencing them to become open, loving and non-judgemental about others choices.  Afterall, he is not perverted, depraved or immoral.  He stands up for the abused, the judged, the underdog.  He sees such value in this.  He knows what pain there is in hiding even a small part of who you are.  He knows that he is a good and kind person.  And he fights to change this in those people who wish to seal his lips, his thoughts and his actions.

In my house, I will fight with him.

In my house, I will support him.  I will help him find his voice.  I will love him unconditionally.  Afterall, he is not hurting anyone.  I lovingly accept every part of him, and it's my duty as his mother to embrace all of who he is, to stand with him to fight against those who wish to oppress and silence him.

In my house, he will not be silenced.

I don't ask you to embrace him with rainbow flags and gay parades put aside your moral dilemmas about his sexuality.  I do ask though, that you do not bring your moral judgements against him and treat him with any less respect that you would a hetero. 

I promise you that he won't discuss the mechanics of how homosexuality works (he will handle those discussions gently and with appropriate language for the person he is talking to), and I can say without question that he will not engage in homosexual activity in front of others.  That he won't flaunt it in front of you if he knows you are obviously uncomfortable.  He knows this is your issue and he will respect that.

I ask you to own this issue as your own, and not to ask my child to change so that you can feel you fulfilled some holy sense of morality.  I'm pretty sure you aren't the most moral person alive, afterall.

I ask you to step back if you feel uncomfortable.  To talk with (not TO) my son with respect and maturity, using language that helps him understand that this is YOUR problem, not his.  I hope you ask him to help YOU deal with YOUR problems.  Afterall, he does wants to be a psychologist when he grows up,  and help people with their problems, so perhaps he can help you grow from your judgments.  He's pretty amazing that way.

In my house, he doesn't need to filter who he is.  In my house, I am comfortable with him.  He is my son, and I could NOT be more proud, more bursting with love and adoration. 

If you take some time and gain some perspective, maybe you'll see that his sexuality is such a small part of who he is, and there are so many amazing and wonderful qualities about this person, that any issue you might have with his bisexuality might actually disappear.  Maybe you'll start to love unconditionally.  Maybe your heart will burst with pride, your eyes opened, your soul amazed at this creature in your life you have the absolute pleasure of knowing.  And if you are able to do this, perhaps you'll see his homo friends as a blessing to his life.  People who can empower him, support him, help him feel like there really is nothing to be ashamed about.  People who can help him feel like there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with him.  Strong and powerful even. 

I hope you discover these things.  I hope you give him a chance.  I hope you don't lay on your deathbed with regrets and sadness about those times you judged him, that you yelled in his face and told him he was wrong. 

It's not too late.

He's already forgiven you...afterall.


  1. Beautiful. You rock, all of you. I hope to teach my sons what you are teaching yours.

  2. <3 I am so grateful to know you, Amy. I can't tell you how many times I held my friends who were gay and would cry when we were your son's age, because they couldn't share their true selves with anyone, including me. I just knew something was upsetting them at the time, but didn't find out why until we were in college.

    It makes my heart so, so, so happy to know that there are families who are willing to honour every part of their children's identities, and love them exactly how they are, unconditionally, and empower them, and ready them for life without the pain that I feel was so unnecessary for so many kids of our generation, because... they were and are awesome, and, and, and... <3!

    <3 Love this so much!!!


  3. My oldest son has a boyfriend,I don't say he's gay or homosexual, he's just Michael. When I and the rest of my family found out, I heard a few family members say horrible things about him... Most just say whatever, he's still our Michael... My only concern is the same concern I have for all my kids, that they find happiness... Oh and make me a grandma!!! :)

  4. Amy, you are raising great kids, and to raise open minded kids who can be who they are and be happy with that person is the task we all should give ourselves as parents. Not to shape them into what we think they should be, but help them take the shape they are meant to be. You all rock, IMO. Love ya.

  5. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound of these words! You are a wonderful mother to put this out there to the world - your son must be incredibly proud of you as well!

  6. This is a beautiful post and you are a wonderful mother.

  7. Your post really touched my heart, thank you so much for sharing. Thank you so much for teaching and loving and living the way you are. Thank your family. I am a bisexual woman. I sometimes feel lost between the gay and straight cultures and worlds, feel misunderstood and judged by both in different ways. You have given your children a beautiful model for understanding the full spectrum of love and attraction, for moving through the world unburdened by moral judgement. Thank you.

  8. You are wonderful! I wouldn't expect anything different from you. Good on you for putting it so eloquently!

  9. A beautifully touching post. Thank you for sharing and I hope both your son and you are treated with the respect deserved.