Saturday, April 28, 2012

practice make imperfection

It really is kind of ridiculous how much of my life I spend making lists and thinking about things to change so that I can be happy with myself.  One big one:  Self-Discipline.  I suppose if I actually stopped making lists and HAD self discipline, I could accomplish ALL THE THINGS.  Oh, the cycle of self defeat, what a cunning opponent you are!!

One of my last blog posts was about synchronicity and how I'd discovered Brene Brown and her amazing clarity on shame and worthiness.  Then a dear friend commented about how another friend (Savannah!) lent her the book "The Gifts of Imperfection" by...of course...Brene Brown, and that she'd share it with me.  So the 3 of us met up and I got my hands on the book.  Like I said I'm not surprised any more when things like this happen, I just take it as confirmation that I'm on the right path.

I started reading this book, and I'm noticing how much she speaks my language.  I have heard this said a few different ways before, but for some reason, hearing it the way she described it really hit home.

(these are the first lines in the first chapter)
"Practicing courage, compassion, and connection in our daily lives is how we cultivate worthiness.  The key word is practice.  Mary Daly, a theologian, writes, "Courage is like-it's a habitus, a habit, a virtue:  You get it by courageous acts.  It's like you learn to swim by swimming.  You learn courage by couraging."  The same is true for compassion and connection.  We invite compassion into our lives when we act compassionately towards ourselves and others, and we feel connected in our lives when we reach out and connect."

And then I got hit by a giant "DUH" brick.  Self discipline isn't something I'm magically going to be gifted by the gods watching from above on their little holy clouds.  Just like I practice procrastination, laziness, worthlessness, loneliness, indulgence, unacceptance and shame in my daily life; self discipline and all those things I CRAVE and make lists for need to be practiced.  Daily.  I need to create new neural pathways and walk back and forth through them so that the weeds are beaten down and that path becomes the new familiar way and easily recognizable.  It might be hard work at first....but when things become habits...you don't think about them allllll the time, you just do them.  You don't need to think about how to swim each time you get into the water...your body remembers how to swim and so it does naturally. 

I don't remember it being all that difficult to create habits of sugar addiction, laziness, complacency and procrastination.  I think that was the path of least resistance to be honest. 

In order to get to a place where I can start checking things off my list...I need to feel the resistance, and press on to practice my new skills:

Determination:  Staying focused and committed to goals and projects to COMPLETION, not perfection.
Perseverance: Keeping faith in myself via compassion and resilience
Gratitude:  I'm one lucky bitch.
Consistency: How new habits are born
Success:  Dude, SMALL and EASILY ACHIEVABLE goals please!
Courage:  Vulnerability is a strength
Authenticity: Don't hustle for approval.  Love that which sets you apart and makes you unique.
Optimism:  I GET to have this life, I don't HAVE to do it.

In short, whatever we practice daily is what we're the best at and what defines us.  Our daily habits are reinforced by what behaviors and beliefs we nurture.

Practice doesn't make perfection.  Nothing makes perfection, because perfection is a huge lie.  Practice merely makes you good at something.  I'm really good at being trapped behind shame and fear because that is what I practice.

And very soon, I'm going to be really good at practicing how to reach beyond my comfort zone, getting kicked in the teeth, picking myself up, reaching further, and dancing my way through this evolution which a huge smile on my face.

Check  out my current list and watch my progress over at 43things.   Make your own list (be SPECIFIC with your goals!) and share it with me!  Let's cheer each other on!

And if you're serious about it, read this great article on how successful people treat goals!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

teenage redux

Oh man...I hated being a teenager.  Maybe "hate" is a strong word.  Replaying those short films from my memory of that time, that small blonde girl with the black Camaro and nervous smile is still familiar to me.  Wishing she could disappear into the hallways, but pushing herself to be seen.  Fighting back fears to find love and connection.  Floating from circle to circle, having no idea about who she was or where to find herself.  She spent so many of her early years seeking self worth in the safety of friendships (especially those who struggled with their own identities and worth!) and co-dependent relationships. She became a wife at 18 and mother at 21.

I have never lived one day on my own.  I moved in with my fiancee from my moms house.  When we divorced, I had 4 kids under the age of 7 living with me.  I have never been independent.  Nor have I traveled and gone on the adventures of a carefree young adult.

So now that I have 2 teenagers, with a 3rd making an approach for landing, I've made it my main mission in life is to provide opportunities for them to explore who they are, discover their passions, and prepare them for a life of adventure.

Only, who knows if they want that adventure.

Andy is 16 in a couple of weeks, and after years of seeing him struggle in school (boredom and complacency), we decided to drop him from high school altogether, having exhausted all other options.  To spread his wings, so it were.

We recently discovered that he is indeed eligible to enroll in Running Start, a program where he can attend community college for free in his Junior and Senior years (2012-2014).  Technically he's a homeschooled student now, though his "curriculum" is now creating dubstep music, facebooking, beating Twitter records, keeping rock star hours, and playing music and video games.  I have nudged him into Running Start because he can take two years of college for free.  And that's right in our price range.  He's a fantastic writer and musician, so of course I'm going to encourage him to explore that.  In college.  For free.  He also wants to travel he tells me.  So I have now researched and acquired flyers and brochures for all kinds of student-based traveling programs.  Of course, most of them require us to have a bottomless checking account, but I think we've watched *just* enough bank robbery movies to put together a solid crew and nab a few mil.  Or we'll have to do something crazy like SAVE MONEY or force him to pay for his own travel and education.  Oh god...the student loans...don't make me think of that right now.  Maybe I'll just find some far flung friends or relatives to ship him off to for a while to live in a foreign land and travel around with no particular agenda...only just to experience his life unencumbered. 

The other teenager is dead set on going into the Navy as soon as that Principal hands over his diploma.  I can see him running off stage, stripping off his cap and gown to reveal a Navy uniform like some sort of teenage military superhero and running straight into the arms of his Commanding Officer and heading off to to some far away base, only to be heard from in coded messages about becoming a Seal and going on special ops and telling me he may or may not be home for Thanksgiving.  So of course I'm planning on taking him down to the recruiter to discuss that future and how to prepare.  And now I have awesome ammo to "encourage" him to a more responsible lifestyle.  "NAVY SEALS DON'T SLEEP IN! NAVY SEALS DON'T MISS THE BUS!  NAVY SEALS ALWAYS DO THEIR HOMEWORK!"  And by god, that is working.  Which is scary and simultaneously reassuring.

I'm trying EVERYTHING to empower them to follow their passions and to tap into that fertile soil of their minds to plant seeds of self worth and confidence.  I don't want them to be 37 years old still trying to figure that shit out.  At the same time, it's a careful tightrope to walk.

Am I encouraging them to do things based on a strength or gift I see in them, or am I encouraging them to do something so that I can vicariously live through their carefree adventures?

Do you know how HARD it is to see these little humans growing up, taller than me even, almost ready to take on the world, and have to LET GO of the expectations that they are going to go through Door A or Door B?  I'm moving through some weird transition from a parent to a coach to a mere bystander, cheering them on and holding up signs that say "THE END IS NEAR!!".  Yeah...I'm *that* guy.

Have I mentioned before that I *might* have control issues?  Yeah.

I chose my path, and I turned out fairly awesome, so I don't want a do-over, god please NO.  But there is this sense of awe that the world is all right there in front of them, and they can choose any old path they want.  It's a lot of pressure.  For them, AND for me.  I have a little bit of panic going on that they'll bag it all and end up searching for their self worth in toxic relationships, lifeless careers and the bottom of a bottle.  I just have to hope that all this preparation I'm doing with them now will help them be better equipped adults, able to conquer their fears, chase after their dreams, and find happiness within themselves, no matter what they end up "doing". 

AND DID I MENTION FREE COLLEGE?





Thursday, April 19, 2012

synchronicity

Warm up your coffee for this one...it's super long but so worth it!


Throughout my life, I've experienced little things that make me go "hmmm..."

Humming a song and then turning on the radio only to discover that song playing.  Thinking about a person and then hearing the phone ring and discovering the person on the other end is the person you had just been thinking about.  Once I was actually thinking about a person so intently and a really strange thing happened.  I was sitting in my kitchen thinking about her, and suddenly this little musical box that she had given us which was sitting on a shelf in my kitchen started playing.  I had to wonder if there was some sort of cosmic cause and affect thing going on.  That lead to a series of spoon bending experiments and lottery ticket buying.  Alas, my spoons are still straight and the lottery ticket buying has had little return, except for what I'm considering "investments into my state's education system". (as the lottery goes to higher education grants and such...)

I've had a couple bigger, more private and highly emotional things happen that are simply beyond coincidence and are downright weird.  Any remnants of skepticism within me continues to shrink to the point where I'm wondering just how many "winks from the Universe" I need to receive in order to stop questioning and start believing.  Not that these synchronizations would ever become a mundane part of life, but they are becoming so common that I don't freeze in stupor of astonishment that the very fabric of the Universe is unraveling before my virgin eyes.  It's harder and harder to stay naive and shocked.  In fact, the winks are becoming more meaningful as they land a bit closer to home.  It seems like it's becoming less random.  Some just seem like weird coincidences, and others seem to be absolutely life affirming.

During the last meeting of my Self Nurture Group, we wrote letters to ourselves.  From our Wise Self.  Savannah would mail these letters in a couple weeks as a simple reminder to nurture and love ourselves.  I got into a really sweet, knowing spot in my heart and wrote my letter.  I sealed it up and then gave it to Sav.  Then we all got to choose a random Goddess card (like tarot cards) as a fun little boost.  The cards were all facing down, so we didn't see have an opportunity to see what we were choosing.  We drew straight from the heart and if there was meaning, just to take it in...

Here's what my letter said:

pay special attention to the underlined words.  I REALLY wanted myself to see these words.

And here's the card I drew:

Kind of looks like she is sprinkling summer over winter, doesn't it???

You know from my previous few blogs, I'm struggling a little bit in my personal life. ;)

My previous post was about processing a situation that has brought up some huge insecurities and how that left me feeling vulnerable and unworthy.  I am committing to focusing on the lessons I've learned and loving with my whole heart, but it still stings when I see things on Facebook that trigger those feelings of pain and rejection.  Facebook in general has lately become a place where I "dwell" and not just visit, also, so in order to regain more balance in my home life (which I tend to avoid because...HELLO, CHAOS OF SEVEN PEOPLE!!!), regain peace in my mind and in a move of self preservation, I decided to slip quietly into a Facebook fast.  I desperately wanted to focus on sitting with myself, my thoughts, and see what came up.

The synchronizations started in the morning when I opened my email.

From DailyOm Horoscope:
April 18, 2012
An Unadulterated Peace
Taurus Daily Horoscope
You may feel exhausted and tense today, drained by recent catastrophes or periods of intense labor. Since you are likely having difficulties relating to people with patience and tolerance, you may feel compelled to withdraw from the world in order to restore balance in your mind and soul. However, your decision to spend time alone, away from your loved ones and peers, can leave you feeling isolated. Should you find solitude more lonely than relaxing, remind yourself that there may be aspects of yourself that you can only rediscover in a calm and quiet environment. If you endeavor to slip into solitude as you might curl yourself into a soft blanket today, you may find that its embrace becomes comforting and a source of grounding energy.

Often, slipping into solitude represents the simplest way of combating feelings of isolation. While seemingly counterintuitive, it is only in peaceful seclusion that we can access the complex web of emotions that forms the root of the sense of disconnect plaguing us. Stillness encourages contemplation, and tranquility offers comfort as we delve deeply into our inner landscapes. Freed from the demands heaped upon us by others and social schemes that compel us to play roles, we remember who we truly are and can reconnect with the values we deem precious to our experience. Such periodic cerebral journeys of understanding can help us live a life of unadulterated authenticity. The time you spend alone today will complete you, reminding you that you are a whole and capable individual.
So DailyOm can see directly into my soul.  WHATEVER.

I spent the morning enjoying the kids, doing the morning shuffle, and making a plan of attack for cleaning the house.  The kids had a half day at school, which left me with an afternoon free of shuffling kids and time to dig into housecleaning and cleaning the cobwebs from my brain.  I surfed TEDtalks app on my phone for something to listen to while I scoured the bathroom.  I clicked on a talk by Brene Brown and pretty soon I'm sitting there stunned again as she starts talking about she's done all this research on those feelings of unworthiness, vulnerability and shame and how intertwined these emotions are.  Do yourself a huge favor and watch this video:



Here are some excerpts that GRABBED me.

"I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay -- and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness -- that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness -- they have a strong sense of love and belonging -- and folks who struggle for it, and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough. There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it. They believe they're worthy."

Then she went on to talk about how she took it a step further and investigated what those people who believe they ARE worthy have in common:

"What they had in common was a sense of courage. And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute. Courage, the original definition of courage, when it first came into the English language -- it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart -- and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection. "
Short version.  Those people who feel strong connections to others believe they are worthy of love, and are courageous in their authenticity.  Interestingggggg....

"The other thing that they had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental.  "

And here's a big clue to unhappiness....when you numb vulnerability, you numb happiness.

"And so then I went back into the research and spent the next couple of years really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted, what choices they were making, and what are we doing with vulnerability. Why do we struggle with it so much? Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability? No. So this is what I learned. We numb vulnerability..." 

"And I think there's evidence -- and it's not the only reason this evidence exists, but I think it's a huge cause -- we are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. The problem is -- and I learned this from the research -- that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can't say, here's the bad stuff. Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment. I don't want to feel these. I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. (Laughter) I don't want to feel these. And I know that's knowing laughter. I hack into your lives for a living. God. (Laughter) You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle."
 "This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough," then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves."
 For me, hearing these words yesterday really revealed a lot of truths to me.  If you've read "waking up willa" (and the one before this) for long, you know vulnerability isn't an issue for me.  I rather enjoy blogging about things that make most people cringe.  I have people tell me frequently how they appreciate my transparency and they are experiencing something similar but couldn't articulate it properly or felt too vulnerable to let it be known.  It's like an introvert high-5. But there's a difference between being vulnerable to the ether of blogland (no real risk) and being vulnerable in "meatspace".  Face to face with someone where there is a SERIOUS risk of rejection, pain, hurt and loss.  That's dangerous.  To be DEEPLY seen? Holy freakin crap....

God, I love it when things like that happen, it just LIGHTS up my soul.  I needed to hear Brene's wisdom yesterday.  And now I have a new life moto:

 
Another interesting thing happened.  I was reading a comment in one of the posts on her blog, and saw that the comment author was a "Kaizen-Muse Creativity Coach".  I'd never heard of that and it sounded interesting, so I googled it.  The more I read about it, the more my brain tickled with sparks of visions of seeing myself as a creativity coach.  I'd researched becoming a life coach before, but it never quite felt "right".  Not saying this feels totally right (I fantasize about doing all sorts of things like this...), but I've been quietly sitting with it.

Today my DailyOm Horoscope:

April 19, 2012
A Life Examined
Taurus Daily Horoscope
Your willingness to reflect upon your life's journey up until this point can become your greatest asset today. Whether you are in an introspective mood or seeking specific information about choices you once made, you may find yourself compelled to spend time apart from the company of others. As you search for the insights buried in your personal history, your perception of time can change, leaving you prone to becoming lost in thought. By simply making an effort to be more cognizant of the direction of your musings, you can consciously manipulate the course of your reflection to ensure that you understand how your past has influenced the person you are today.

Our lives, when thoroughly examined, yield great stores of wisdom that aid us as we push forward with short- and long-term plans. Frequently, we forge ahead, putting little stock in the insights of the past, convinced that all we need to know will be revealed to us in the future. However, the events we have lived through and the choices we have made as we struggled to gain understanding can tell us much about how best to triumph over life's many challenges. Through trial and error we learn to move through existence consciously and recover from the setbacks that threaten to derail our progress. A few moments of reflection can give us the strength to face difficulties head-on, with reason as our only tool. As you muse today upon all you have been and done in the past, you'll find that you are prepared to meet your future.

So now I'm paranoid that DailyOm has hacked into my isp and is compiling horoscopes based google searches.  Seriously, how often do you hear the word "muse"?  I find it totally serendipitous to hear "As you muse today upon all you have been and done in the past, you'll find that you are prepared to meet your future." in a time when I'm searching for purpose, clarity, peace and considering a career as a Kaizen-MUSE Creativity Coach. Or maybe at this point I'm just intently LOOKING for synchronicity.  Either way, when I can find meaning in things, it is totally inspiring.  Maybe I'm not just a particle of dust blowing through the Universe after all... 

One last little tiny synchronicity for today:  As I was writing this post, I was listening to Iron and Wine, and these lyrics spoke out to me...FROM THE GREAT BEYOND!!!  ;)

Curiosity far greater than the fear
It felt so simple, so prodigious, at the same time

Incredible things are happening in the world
Magical things are happening in the world

Across the river there are all kinds of magical instruments
While we really keep on living like monkeys
 Well played, Universe.

Friday, April 13, 2012

pure love

It happened when I was on the road yesterday, doing the morning kid shuffle.  My mind swirls constantly, shifting from one thought to the next, things I need to remember, things I need to forget, dreams, responsibilities, mindfulness, etc.  When I'm at home, I have a thousand things to distract me, but when I'm driving alone in the van, it's just me and my swirling thoughts.

There were a few moments yesterday when I let myself dwell in what I was feeling in relation to a situation I'm in with a friend, which has left me  hurt, confused and jealous.  I know these feelings are situational and the result of disappointment from an expectation that I had.   I'm damn good at compartmentalizing these feelings so nobody really knows what I'm going through.

I had put myself out there and bore my soul with the expected outcome of us working through it and getting to the other side.  Instead, there's been a silence that has stoked my fears of unworthiness, insignificance and being unlovable and left for better things.

I've done so much work to move into my Wise Self over the past 6 months with the help of amazing friend and Life Coach Savannah Mayfield and yet I have been absolutely stuck in trance of self pity.  It's been so dark and lonely in that place, but I've been able to process a lot with Sav, and clinging to my beautiful, wonderful, constantly empathetic and compassionate husband and basking in the safety and constant flow of his amazing loving energy to keep me going.

Still, it hasn't been enough to resolve the hurt in my heart.  I've been making little attempts to reach out and bridge the gap, to feel out her truth and gauge her reality.  In those attempts, I admit I'm fishing.  Looking for something, anything that lets me know that there is hope and maybe she just needs more time.  It's manipulative, but still heart felt.  Logically I can separate how I should feel and how I'm feeling, but my heart is hurting, and that's been a challenge to reconcile.

I've grown tired of the trance, and yesterday while driving down that beautiful highway towards my home, my heart opened up to that expansive space and I began to shift out of that trance that has held me captive in darkness.  I started hearing my Wise Self again.  I remember Sav's words say "Trances are constrictive, depressing and fear filled, and when you're in your Wise Self, you feel expansive, full of possibilities, creative, and are literally oozing love".  In order to move out of my trance, I needed to let go of the outcomes that I desire.  I needed to accept that I love my friend and care and don't need anything in return in order to continue to feel that way.  I needed to stop withholding my own love out of fear of rejection or as a punishment.

So this morning I took it further and actually made myself some notes about this revealing.  I wrote that the experience of expressing pure love must not be done so for the purpose of manipulating love, attention or acceptance, but instead expressed with a pure intent.  Pure love means telling others how I feel not for the purpose of them meeting my expectations or desired outcomes, but truly for the cause of expression alone.  Letting others process and filter that information through their own reality and not attempting to force my reality into theirs.  Pure love means leaving hurt feelings out of my expressions of love, so as I don't taint the authenticity of that love.  Pure love means continually practicing letting self pity, jealousy, anger and regret flow through and out of me, and holding compassion, delight, happiness and solace close to my heart and soul and dwelling in beauty, light and hope.  And in doing so, I'll attract so much pure love back to me, I'll be overflowing in it.

In so many ways, the time I have recently spent in this old familiar trance has been a huge reminder of how immature my growth is in this particular area.  I have so many fears attached to love, and relationships are a test of that.  I know I have lots of work to do in order to get to a place of mature love where I can open my heart up more easily and take the risk regardless of the fears, and I can be more wise about who I share that mature pure love with.  I think I'm beginning to see how I can grow and help myself dwell in that beauty and love and hope with an open heart.  However, the transition isn't as painful as staying put.  I refuse to let that trance become who I am, filled with fear and pain.  I am my Wise Self.

My Wise Self is bright and brilliant, so full of light and love that she illuminates everyone that comes into contact with her.  People feel energized yet peaceful around her.  She inspires and uplifts, smiles constantly and laughs with her full body.  She's strong.  So strong.  But there's a gentleness about her that makes her approachable and organic and real.  She still cries and gets frustrated and feels pain, but she has resilience and knows how to process the pain while still nurturing her spirit and beautiful soul.  She refuses to compromise her values and truths, but acknowledges that those may evolve over time and experience.  She's both sassy and sarcastic, funny and humble.  She makes deep lasting connections and practices mature, pure love daily with her adoring husband and precious kids.






Wednesday, April 11, 2012

How ya doin??

Dear Starbucks Barista,

This morning when you spotted me sitting at the drive thru window and you recognized me because our kids were on the same football team this summer and you yelled over the espresso machines to say "Hey there!  How are you?", and I yelled back over the roaring engine of my filthy minivan "I'm good, how are you?", what I REALLY wanted to say was this:

"How am I?  Well, I'm avoiding making eye contact with any of you because my eye is swollen, infected and oozing yellow boogers and I don't want to gross you out, my face is breaking out because I'm ovulating and really fucking hormonal so I feel like a gross hot mess...I just watched an SUV (which I'm sure was full of babies) explode upon impact with a semi truck on a snowy highway thanks to stupid Facebook...I didn't get one kid to school on time today, also I have a meeting with one kid's teacher tomorrow because of his ADHD, my other kid who is on meds for his ADD has dropped 10 pounds so I'm freaking out about that...I fucked up cutting his hair the other day and ended up having to shave his entire head and he's so awesome that he didn't even care...I don't deserve him...my oldest (who is only 15) is dropping out of high school and getting his GED in May when he turns 16 and then doing god knows what (Hey are you guys hiring??), so there's that...I'm having a pretty significant emotional inner conflict with what I'm supposed to be doing with my life so I'm worried about that...I think my allergy medicine and depression medicine are turning me into a stone cold bitch...my 3 year old pretends to break people's necks and plays out death scenes and I'm scared he's going to traumatize the other kids if I put him in preschool...my hair is growing out and refuses to leave the 80's...I haven't been able to wear makeup for 2 weeks because of my hay fever/gooping infected eye and I feel like a fat, gross, old bitch (Hey could you not look directly at me please?  Didn't I just tell you I could stop your beating heart in disgust with one look at my grotesque face?  LOOK AWAY)...Anyway, my house is fucking trashed because my kids refuse to EAT AT THE TABLE and they are all members of "Anarchy NOW!" where they must have to take a vow to smear jelly on everything with a surface and hide cameras everywhere to watch videos of my face twisting and jerking as I step on carefully planted grapes that feel like little toes exploding under my feet and then laugh like little demons while placing empty boxes back in the cupboards...I think I just got blocked on Facebook by a close friend whom I am trying to work out an emotional conflict with and I'm pretty sure everyone hates me and is conspiring to get me kicked off the planet, but it's probably for the best, I'm picking fights with everyone and turning into a Class A Social Pariah, but hey, at least my husband likes me!  Anyway, could I just get my fucking coffee please?  Can we catch up later?  I'm going to go back to my hole to die.  Kthxbai"

Now that everyone's all caught up...

Don't worry, the day totally turned around and actually ended up to be amazing.  I didn't get blocked after all (it was just a misunderstanding in which of course I assume everything that happens is about me, but alas, I am not THAT important), I got medicine for my eye, and even though I grew a few more zits throughout the day, I got some awesome news from my hubby, had a couple great conversations with friends who reassure me that I'm not insane or a leper, I found out another friend is pregnant and I am not (yay!), and none of my kids were in that exploding SUV, so....here's to another day.

I'm going to go fish the fruit flies out of my bottle of wine and get *drunk.  L8r!

*tongue in cheek of course.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Epic Fail.

I've been cutting the boys hair ever since they had hair to cut.  And by cut I mean cut with clippers.  I vary the length according to what they want, but it's always pretty short.  And most of the time I do a pretty good job.  Sometimes I go a little shorter than what they wanted...

Zach's been wanting to grow his hair out, but after a while, it's clear he is destined to wear his hair shorter.  His hair is course and straight and has a growth pattern that makes his hair swirl around the back of his head in one direction if it gets too long.  Like his hair is swallowing his head by attacking his face.  So we talked about it and decided to go in for the trim.

I was doing really good, clipping up the sides real nice.  Like a pro.  He had wanted to keep the top long, but after I cut the sides he decided it was too drastic and wanted to me to cut the top too.

I had looked for the longest guide comb to attach, and found an 8 and figured that would be long enough.  I put the clippers and guide down on the counter and futzed with his hair in my hands for a minute, then picked up the clippers, turned it on and cut a swath of hair from his forehead towards the back.  It felt oddly thick and hard to get through.  I snapped my attention to his head and realized that I didn't attach the guide.  I just shaved a stripe in his head.  Denial.  "I put the guide on!  DIDN'T I?????"  Anger.  "OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T PUT THE GUIDE ON!"  Zach slowly reached his hand up to feel his bald stripe and turned his head to look in the mirror.

"Fuck." was all he said.

I echoed his "Fuck" with an extended vowel version of "Fuuuuuuuuuck!"

Acceptance.  It took me about 30 seconds to realize that was no way to fix it, so I finished the job of shaving my 13 year old's head clean bald.  Well, to the fuzz.  Last year Aric and I both got our heads shaved for St. Baldricks.  That bald.

Regret.  I tried to make him feel better, we laughed as I shaved his head into skullet and all the variations in between.  He never got mad at me or seemed disappointed beyond the initial shock of what had been done to him.  He bounced right back with jokes and laughed about it, as did the rest of the family.  We laugh our way through trauma in our family.  And it worked...at least it seems to be working for him.  I'm not so easily rebounding...I know everyone makes mistakes, but dude...ugh.  Mama Fail.  Now he has *that* story.  Remember back in 7th grade when you were trimming my hair and you ended up shaving my head and I never let you touch my hair again???  Yeah...that was funny.

It's a good thing he's a cute kid.