Wednesday, April 11, 2012

How ya doin??

Dear Starbucks Barista,

This morning when you spotted me sitting at the drive thru window and you recognized me because our kids were on the same football team this summer and you yelled over the espresso machines to say "Hey there!  How are you?", and I yelled back over the roaring engine of my filthy minivan "I'm good, how are you?", what I REALLY wanted to say was this:

"How am I?  Well, I'm avoiding making eye contact with any of you because my eye is swollen, infected and oozing yellow boogers and I don't want to gross you out, my face is breaking out because I'm ovulating and really fucking hormonal so I feel like a gross hot mess...I just watched an SUV (which I'm sure was full of babies) explode upon impact with a semi truck on a snowy highway thanks to stupid Facebook...I didn't get one kid to school on time today, also I have a meeting with one kid's teacher tomorrow because of his ADHD, my other kid who is on meds for his ADD has dropped 10 pounds so I'm freaking out about that...I fucked up cutting his hair the other day and ended up having to shave his entire head and he's so awesome that he didn't even care...I don't deserve oldest (who is only 15) is dropping out of high school and getting his GED in May when he turns 16 and then doing god knows what (Hey are you guys hiring??), so there's that...I'm having a pretty significant emotional inner conflict with what I'm supposed to be doing with my life so I'm worried about that...I think my allergy medicine and depression medicine are turning me into a stone cold 3 year old pretends to break people's necks and plays out death scenes and I'm scared he's going to traumatize the other kids if I put him in hair is growing out and refuses to leave the 80's...I haven't been able to wear makeup for 2 weeks because of my hay fever/gooping infected eye and I feel like a fat, gross, old bitch (Hey could you not look directly at me please?  Didn't I just tell you I could stop your beating heart in disgust with one look at my grotesque face?  LOOK AWAY)...Anyway, my house is fucking trashed because my kids refuse to EAT AT THE TABLE and they are all members of "Anarchy NOW!" where they must have to take a vow to smear jelly on everything with a surface and hide cameras everywhere to watch videos of my face twisting and jerking as I step on carefully planted grapes that feel like little toes exploding under my feet and then laugh like little demons while placing empty boxes back in the cupboards...I think I just got blocked on Facebook by a close friend whom I am trying to work out an emotional conflict with and I'm pretty sure everyone hates me and is conspiring to get me kicked off the planet, but it's probably for the best, I'm picking fights with everyone and turning into a Class A Social Pariah, but hey, at least my husband likes me!  Anyway, could I just get my fucking coffee please?  Can we catch up later?  I'm going to go back to my hole to die.  Kthxbai"

Now that everyone's all caught up...

Don't worry, the day totally turned around and actually ended up to be amazing.  I didn't get blocked after all (it was just a misunderstanding in which of course I assume everything that happens is about me, but alas, I am not THAT important), I got medicine for my eye, and even though I grew a few more zits throughout the day, I got some awesome news from my hubby, had a couple great conversations with friends who reassure me that I'm not insane or a leper, I found out another friend is pregnant and I am not (yay!), and none of my kids were in that exploding SUV,'s to another day.

I'm going to go fish the fruit flies out of my bottle of wine and get *drunk.  L8r!

*tongue in cheek of course.


  1. Holy Fucking Crap! Your day was just as awesome as mine! Thank you for your raw mama honesty. I cannot believe I volunteered for this thankless position as mama - it's been a disaster for my marriage, my friendships but man I sure do love those lil fuckers at the end of the day. I would stand in front of a bus for them, but holy hell it is rough out there. This post made me laugh out loud, for reals So Thank you for the belly laugh : )

  2. Baby, that's what day are like for Mommies. I so feel you. Thank the gods we have friends and husbands that we love and love us. The stress pile-up is so completely temporary. And I really, really love you.

  3. Thanks for the love, friends. We are all crazy. that is all.