There were a few moments yesterday when I let myself dwell in what I was feeling in relation to a situation I'm in with a friend, which has left me hurt, confused and jealous. I know these feelings are situational and the result of disappointment from an expectation that I had. I'm damn good at compartmentalizing these feelings so nobody really knows what I'm going through.
I had put myself out there and bore my soul with the expected outcome of us working through it and getting to the other side. Instead, there's been a silence that has stoked my fears of unworthiness, insignificance and being unlovable and left for better things.
I've done so much work to move into my Wise Self over the past 6 months with the help of amazing friend and Life Coach Savannah Mayfield and yet I have been absolutely stuck in trance of self pity. It's been so dark and lonely in that place, but I've been able to process a lot with Sav, and clinging to my beautiful, wonderful, constantly empathetic and compassionate husband and basking in the safety and constant flow of his amazing loving energy to keep me going.
Still, it hasn't been enough to resolve the hurt in my heart. I've been making little attempts to reach out and bridge the gap, to feel out her truth and gauge her reality. In those attempts, I admit I'm fishing. Looking for something, anything that lets me know that there is hope and maybe she just needs more time. It's manipulative, but still heart felt. Logically I can separate how I should feel and how I'm feeling, but my heart is hurting, and that's been a challenge to reconcile.
I've grown tired of the trance, and yesterday while driving down that beautiful highway towards my home, my heart opened up to that expansive space and I began to shift out of that trance that has held me captive in darkness. I started hearing my Wise Self again. I remember Sav's words say "Trances are constrictive, depressing and fear filled, and when you're in your Wise Self, you feel expansive, full of possibilities, creative, and are literally oozing love". In order to move out of my trance, I needed to let go of the outcomes that I desire. I needed to accept that I love my friend and care and don't need anything in return in order to continue to feel that way. I needed to stop withholding my own love out of fear of rejection or as a punishment.
So this morning I took it further and actually made myself some notes about this revealing. I wrote that the experience of expressing pure love must not be done so for the purpose of manipulating love, attention or acceptance, but instead expressed with a pure intent. Pure love means telling others how I feel not for the purpose of them meeting my expectations or desired outcomes, but truly for the cause of expression alone. Letting others process and filter that information through their own reality and not attempting to force my reality into theirs. Pure love means leaving hurt feelings out of my expressions of love, so as I don't taint the authenticity of that love. Pure love means continually practicing letting self pity, jealousy, anger and regret flow through and out of me, and holding compassion, delight, happiness and solace close to my heart and soul and dwelling in beauty, light and hope. And in doing so, I'll attract so much pure love back to me, I'll be overflowing in it.
In so many ways, the time I have recently spent in this old familiar trance has been a huge reminder of how immature my growth is in this particular area. I have so many fears attached to love, and relationships are a test of that. I know I have lots of work to do in order to get to a place of mature love where I can open my heart up more easily and take the risk regardless of the fears, and I can be more wise about who I share that mature pure love with. I think I'm beginning to see how I can grow and help myself dwell in that beauty and love and hope with an open heart. However, the transition isn't as painful as staying put. I refuse to let that trance become who I am, filled with fear and pain. I am my Wise Self.
My Wise Self is bright and brilliant, so full of light and love that she illuminates everyone that comes into contact with her. People feel energized yet peaceful around her. She inspires and uplifts, smiles constantly and laughs with her full body. She's strong. So strong. But there's a gentleness about her that makes her approachable and organic and real. She still cries and gets frustrated and feels pain, but she has resilience and knows how to process the pain while still nurturing her spirit and beautiful soul. She refuses to compromise her values and truths, but acknowledges that those may evolve over time and experience. She's both sassy and sarcastic, funny and humble. She makes deep lasting connections and practices mature, pure love daily with her adoring husband and precious kids.