Friday, September 21, 2012

parallel lives

Lately I've been actively trying to depend a little more on myself for my sense of self and less on others.  Outside of my husbands reassuring words, my kids late night kisses, my friends adoration.  Leaning more on myself to define the edges where I stop and they begin.  Creating distance.

As a result, I feel like I've pulled away from everyone enough to feel a cushion of space between myself and everyone.  It's actually a really great thing.  My thinking is more independent and free flowing and maybe even more creative.  The space feels like the removal of expectations of "should" and replacing it with "want".  Going inward and searching for my own path and identifications. 

I think as mothers, it's so easy to get so invested with our roles as caretakers that we completely neglect that we have our own characters, desires and journeys.  It's scary to face down our true selves outside of what we identify with so greatly.  There is safety in being a mama, we are needed on so many levels.  Being a wife, there is a constant flow of support and love.  To step outside of that and discover what you are in the beyond, is like staring into a well of all of our vulnerabilities and fears and pulling up the bucket, accepting whatever happens to come up.

Even when something frightening rises to the top of the well, I'm able to recognize it came from somewhere deep inside where it felt safe and protected, and now that it's seeing the light of day, it's my job to give it permission to be free and fly away.  It really is a game of mental and emotional chess.  Making choices that I've never had to make before means facing a lot of unknown possible repercussions.  But instead of ending up in a constant state of emotional chaos, what I'm finding is incredible clarity about who I am, my strengths, my fears, my wounds, and getting to know my inner warrior.  It is fiercely empowering.

In allowing myself to live a more parallel life to others in my life instead of wound up and tangled within them, I'm also discovering a side affect of allowing other people to have more responsibility for themselves (since I'm not claiming ownership of them anymore).  I have noticed a lot of patterns regarding people I seem to attract to my life, and many of them are emotionally needy.  I think this is because part of my nature is to get wound up and tangled into people I care about, like a big ball of codependency, it just grows and gets bigger and desperate and clingy the more I feed into it.  So separation is forcing me to create more healthy boundaries with people. 

The truth is I love feeling needed, and I love feeling special, so I tend to just pour myself into other people until I have nothing left to give...and if they don't return that energy, I wind up crushed and rejected.  Parallel living means I give people my authenticity and energy while saving some for myself and my own desires and discoveries.  This is a slower process because it's been so engrained in my life for so long.  At least I can recognize when it's happening, and I can begin to redirect myself accordingly.  I'm still trying to figure out the feeling needed and special thing without compromising my boundaries and need to be parallel.

First step in realizing a lifelong journey of healing and self love I guess.

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