Sunday, November 3, 2013

sobember: a month of boozelessness

I've been thinking a lot about a theme for this year's attempt yet again at NaBloPoMo, and it came to me after a major wave of stress ebbed away in recent weeks with the rehoming of my Great Dane and the moving out of my photography studio.

The Month I Got My Shit Together. It was to be a triumph of organization, schedules and meal planning.  I was going to master the budget and decorate my house with beautiful homemade things and I was going to blog every day about my goals and how I was defeating my chaos monsters.

But then I got drunk instead.

Friday night was a turning point. Yes, another turning point. At this point I've made myself turn at so many points I'm fairly sure I'm now spinning in a full circle with no real points or turns, just acknowledgements from the Universe that I'm still on the same fucked up path with no way or hope of redeeming myself.

I've been drinking a lot lately. I've also been fighting off some depression, insecurities and greeting each day with a sense of doom that the darkness of winter is approaching and the slight hold I have on my reality is going to slip away into a big black hole where I might drown in my own tears. Okay maybe that's extreme, but for a gal who is normally pretty enthusiastic and optimistic about life, depression hits and it hits hard. And it's scary.

Alcohol has been a way for me to forget about ringing bells of tardiness, past due bills, piles of laundry, broken appliances, waves of fear and crippling self doubt. For a little while, I just have fun. I am funny. I laugh. I speak. I let go.

Having alcohol as a social lubricant serves to help me transition between lonerville and peopletown, wherein I go from awkward to gregarious. Which would be fine, except I just keep going because at that point I'm convinced the more I drink the more awesome I will become. Quickly, very quickly, I just become drunk. And that girl? Not awesome.

Truth be told, the hangover lasts longer than the euphoria.  Then I chide myself for taking it too far and feel like a huge fuck up once again. It's easy to make mistakes when you suddenly don't have any boundaries, let alone self awareness.

So this month of writing was supposed to start on Friday, but it didn't happen. Yesterday I poured myself into my house and spent the day supporting my daughter in her Science Olympiad event.  I avoided the computer and tried not to think about blogging.

Today I feel like if I don't say something, even if nobody reads it...if I don't get it out of my head, I won't commit to it.

I am not going to drink alcohol throughout the month of November. I'm not committing to anything else besides that. I may not blog every day. I may not get my shit together. I may not sew the fabric of my life together with glitter and a cherry on top. I probably won't in fact.

What I will do:

  • Learn ways to help me relax and let go naturally.
  • Try to be more open and vulnerable without booze.
  • Set better social boundaries for myself.
  • Practice more self awareness.
  • See if I can get a light box for SAD.
  • Continue on my depression medicine and work up to the full dosage.
  • Search out ways to plug into my inspiration and creativity.

Most importantly, I will stop avoiding difficult emotional and physical work.

I tend to run away and hide a lot in my life.  Retreating and becoming invisible tends to help me feel less responsible and vulnerable. There is no risk of rejection or disappointing anyone. It feels safe. Only, it's not safe, it only feels safe because of the huge buffer between me and people. But all the distance and cocooning does is make me feel more alone and afraid. I'm not exactly sure what I'm afraid of, but I think it has to do with feeling like a huge fuck up at everything I do. I think I need some small victories, thus the original "Get My Shit Together" theme of this month, but what I think I need to do more is to shift my perspective to accepting and loving myself where I am, chaos and all.  Then, my happiness doesn't depend on performance of life, but compassion for myself.

Alcohol is a way for me to continue to hide. Hide the stress, escape from the fear, pretend to be someone I'm not.

I used to be very transparent and totally unapologetic for who I was. Somewhere along the line I stopped being transparent and now I just feel guarded. Instead of being unapologetic I've become a people pleaser, going along with things I never would have, had I was being authentic.

When I got divorced and was at the cusp of self discovery, it was easy to be open about everything, because I had felt so invisible for so long, being free to be me felt so liberating that I didn't even care if I was making an ass of myself because I was in control. It was the first time in my life I had unbridled hope and felt full of possibilities. Clean Slate.

Now I think I may be a little jaded. I know a lot more about myself, and that knowledge can get depressing, because I am not who I want to be. I thought divorce would fix me.  I constantly think about how to change, but ultimately I slip back into self defeating behaviors and perpetuate the cycle of failure, guilt, depression and hopelessness.

So I'm not exactly sure if going sober for a month will really change much, but I feel like it might be a step towards self ownership that will help me become a better friend to myself and allow me to stay in a place of awareness and responsibility.

I guess we'll see.

1 comment:

  1. regardless of what you do, or don't do... you do accomplish something every day and your day-to-day life is so full of past accomplishments. you may not always see them or recognize them... but they exist. and if nothing else AT ALL, there are five very real, very concrete accomplishments... walking around and breathing and living every day. so just remember that.