Well, I am discovering that while it's useful to discover the root of your insecurity and see where it all started, it's also easy to get super angry about the whole thing.
Of course I feel wronged. It was a horrible tragic loss of self. I had no resources to help me through it. Of course I feel angry. I would really love to find Howard and *** his **** off. But, in that place of anger, I have been focusing on the severity of the injury itself instead of the recovery from it.
There is no power in feeling victimized. I can feel sad and angry about it happening, but I feel myself settling too deeply in victim mode. From this vantage point, I transform anger into fear and distrust in other people, creating a deeper sense of feeling wounded and hurt. And holy shit am I hurting right now.
This week has been powerfully emotional. Lots of complicated relationship stuff, outside of my own journey to my roots. But because I'm on that journey I'm incredibly sensitive to every interaction that feels painful, and each passing thought of doubt becomes painful truth. I'm so clouded in that misery, it feels like everything is happening to me.
The kicker is, I know I'm in victim mode. I can see how I'm taking things personally. I can see how I'm being passive and listening to the destructive voices whispering their constant chorus of "You are invisible, you are without, this isn't fair, you are a fuck up". I know that my monkey mind is fully engaged. I can see it extremely clear. I'm even judging my feelings as being wrong because they don't make sense, or that I'm just being insecure and so they're not valid. I can't justify my emotions in a logical way, and that propels me deeper into the spiral of grief and exacerbates the original emotion.
What I'm learning is that feelings and emotions are NOT logical. Sometimes they make sense, and sometimes they don't. The important piece for me is to remember not to shame myself because I'm feeling an emotion without just cause. Of course there is just cause TO ME, but it won't feel that way for anyone else. And that is okay. My feelings are my own, and I don't need approval to feel them. Moreover, nobody has an obligation to soothe or satiate me and my feelings. When I'm in victim mode, I lean into others for sympathy (commiserate with me over this thing has been done to me!). If I stand in my power and deal with my feelings responsibly, I seek out empathy (I am experiencing this sad emotion) instead. I think it's also helpful to remember that I am not entitled to receive any special or good treatment from anyone. The world doesn't owe me a damn thing.
Victims need nurturing and to be given resources to heal. So I also recognize that if I'm in that space, I need to be especially gentle with myself and not shame myself for being in that mode. Self compassion, constant awareness to combat the voices, and not expecting anyone to save me but myself will help pull me back.
And I'm just going to let myself feel some fucking anger for a minute without judging it to death.