Wednesday, November 16, 2016

pause

I had tried to write a blog each day in November, but the election threw me through a loop.

Last Wednesday I deleted Facebook from my phone. I haven't read much of the news. Everybody wants to talk about it, but every time I think about it I feel overcome with fear, disgust and depression. I don't want to talk about how pissed I feel, I don't want to go out and protest. I don't want to sign petitions or try to understand. I just want to ignore it. For my own mental health, so I can wake up in the morning and not feel like I am living in a dangerous foreign land, so I can focus on what is right in front of me, in the moment, not an impending four years of terrifying social and political unrest. Simply existing sounds good.

Currently, I'm existing in Hilo Hawaii. I brought Dan and Liz here for Dan's birthday, today. We arrived Monday the 14th, and we leave Monday the 22nd. A full week of slow moving life. Lots of reading and sunbathing and walking in the warm rain and filling ourselves with delicious Hawaiian meals and exploring volcanoes and hiking and taking pictures and stargazing. Pausing. Observing life. Being a witness to the natural world. Cycles. Listening. Getting back to a place of wonder and curiosity.  Smiling at strangers. Slapping mosquitoes. Going to bed early and waking up early to kiss and drink coffee in bed. Watching the cruise ships go by from the patio. Following the funny business of the geckos. Outdoor showering. Being in the absolute stillness of the moon rising over the eastern horizon. Listening to the rap battle of neighboring roosters.  Falling asleep to the deafening call of millions of coqui frogs in unison. No makeup. No hairspray. Just freckles and a sense of adventure. Celebrating my amazing companion and giving my daughter a new world to explore.

Silently and slowly grieving. 

I don't think I'm going to get back on Facebook for a while. The weight of where I am in life and love finally feels light and manageable. I am resilient and strong. I know what I need to do and what to focus on, and lighting my torch and picking up a pitchfork ain't it. 

I am going to spend some time and invest in my physical health as my mental health picks up muscle mass. I am going to spend more time in creative spaces where life and love flow through me and out towards the universe. Expansion. Growth. More writing, more hula hooping, more painting. More kissing. More being present. Picking up weights and putting them down. Picking up speed on my bike. Picking up more work. Picking up more skills.

Living strong. Moving on.


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